People of Britain, (please note that I did not say Great Britain, because it’s long since stopped being Great), I have to report to you that Britain is Broken.
The Police Service is broken. Broken by Winsor 1 and 2, broken by Theresa May, my right hand man, broken by our new Police and Crime Commissioners with their 200 performance targets. Broken by the changes to their pensions, pay scales, Compulsory Severance, they are broken. They spend all their working lives trying to lock people up, well, we just had to break that mould, can’t be having folk locked up now can we? In fact, they are so broken that we’ve had to ask our partners, G4$, $erco and the like, to step in and rescue them and bring huge chunks of them into profit. The Police have got the hump with me anyway, and all because I described them as ‘Relatively Honest’. Don’t they realise that was in comparison with Ghaddafi’s Police, why are they even bothered?
The Armed Forces are broken. The combined strength of the Armed Forces is now at its lowest level since World War II when we fought that other despot, Mr Hitler. We’re going to lose some more in the near future, but fear not, because I have a cunning plan. We’ll increase the numbers of the Territorial Army and hopefully no-one will notice the difference. If that doesn’t work we’ll get Captain Mainwaring and his men out of retirement to bolster the numbers and protect our shores and assets.
The Fire Brigade is broken. Fire Engines have been sold off, Fire Stations are being closed. Privatisation/Outsourcing/Partnership is creeping in, Firefighters are going to have to work longer for less pension, so all is well and going to plan.
The National Health Service is broken. Waiting lists are on the rise again, we’re haemorrhaging doctors and nurses, they don’t want to stay any more. Hospital budgets are buggered, waiting times in A&E are completely unacceptable. The Health Service is safe in our hands, but Broken.
Because the Hospitals are broken, that has broken the Ambulance Service, who can no longer deliver their patients to hospital in a timely manner and get back out there. Instead they spend hours parked up on the A&E Ambulance ramp just waiting, before they can get back into service once again. The upside of this though, is that they can claim compensation from the hospital for keeping them waiting, thus screwing the hospital’s budget just a little bit more.
The Coastguards are broken. We’ve closed down nearly half the Coastguard Stations around the British coast, with nice new shiny Central Control Centres set up miles from the sea. Coastguard numbers are down too, so we’re well on target to have smashed them anytime soon. The Search and Rescue Service has been sold off to a foreign company, so no matter how efficient they are at finding folk, they’re working for profit and those profits will go abroad. That’s good right? I’d quite like to outsource the RNLI as well, but as that’s a charity it might take a bit more thinking about.
The Prison Service is broken. We are now beginning to see prisons run by our partners G4$ and $erco etc. It will soon be a shadow of its former self, but at least it will be privately run.
The Probation Service is broken. Once again our illustrious partners G4$ and $erco came riding to the rescue and took on parts of the Probation Service remit, and even though they’re facing ongoing fraud enquiries because they seemingly charged for services they did not provide, that’s OK, that nice Chris Grayling has said that it’s OK for them to bid for new contracts
Social Services are so broken that G4$ have had to take over the running of some Children’s Homes, and apply for Planning Permission etc under the name of a private individual.
The Legal System is broken. We were going to award contracts to the lowest bidder, but Chris Grayling has U Turned on that. We will however carry out the following
- Legal aid fees will be cut by 17.5% across the board
- Residency tests to be introduced for civil legal aid – only those who have lived in the UK for more than 12 months will be eligible
- Cap on contracts for duty solicitor work at police stations
- Income restrictions will be put in place – those with more than £3,000 per month after mortgage, tax and other “essential outgoings” will not be entitled to aid
- 11,000 cases brought by prisoners will no longer be eligible
- And on top of that you will no longer be eligible for Legal Aid to challenge any Government decision. That’s fair, right?
The Penal System is broken along with Human Rights. Too many people, mainly victims or people who might become victims,, bang on about the Human Rights of victims. Don’t they know that criminals have Human Rights too? We need LESS prisons, not more, and stop violating criminals’ rights by banging them up. If I had my way I’d withdraw from the ECHR completely, nothing but aggravation.
Finally, our greatest success to date, and one of which I, personally, am immensely proud, the people of Britain are broken. Their will has been drained and smashed. They don’t know where to get help and advice any more and they certainly don’t have the means to challenge our wonderful reforms. they are smashed.
So, as you can see, Britain is comprehensively broken, and I broke it. When I joined the scumbag party I made it my mission to become the most loathed British Prime Minister in modern times, and I think I have succeeded don’t you? Even Maggie didn’t break anywhere near as much as I have succeeded in doing, but we couldn’t have achieved any of this without the help and support from our chums at PX, they really are the best Think Tankers ever.
Please remember this when you go to the polls in May 2015, but if for any reason, there happens to be a miserable turnout, that will still give us a mandate for further breaking, because we said so.