TJF It’s Official

There I was, minding my own business and I happened across this video.

A lot of you will have seen it already, but it’s way too good not to be shared.

It has spawned timeless classics like Commander Padlock, Albino Wanker, Call Me Dave’s Big Society Bollocks  and Imelda May.

Even Inspector Gadget gets a mention.

The really sad part of it is though that the Cadet Centres, the Police Stations, Scotland Yard and Hendon Training College HAVE all been sold.

Peel Centre As It Is Now

Peel Centre As It Is Now
The Tower Blocks are due for demolition next

All I can say to you is, sit back, watch it again, and laugh while we still can.  Laughing may go out of fashion or be made unlawful any time soon.  It’s certainly not to be encouraged within the MPS.

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A Complete Military History Of France

Right you lot, time for some humour, I’ve been miserable long enough, and what better target than those pesky Frenchies?

This was not my research, it is that of someone else (an American I believe), I do hope that I haven’t breached any copyright (no infringement intended), but in light of yesterday’s defeat in the 6 Nations match between England & France it’s way too good to be ignored. Those of you who know me personally will know that this fits entirely with my sense of humour, and as I did live in France for a while I’m using that as a justification for reproducing it.

The French are such a valiant nation that it seems only right and proper somehow to celebrate their achievements over the years, so I began with a quick Google search

French Military Victories

French Military Victories

So here they are, I know that I have a reader in France, I hope he/she enjoys my celebration of France’s achievements across time, and I’m quite convinced that my Belgian reader will smile a little too;

Gallic Wars
– Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman ]

Hundred Years War
– Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

Italian Wars
– Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
– France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
– France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution
– Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
– Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
– Lost, but claimed it as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
– Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution
– In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution
– Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
– Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
– Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
– Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
– Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
– Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
– Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
– France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France’s [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertently start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 – 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 – William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman – not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn’t in 1066. Therefore, William’s coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; “When incapable of any victory whatsoever – claim someone else’s”.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico’s weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier (“Halls of Montezuma”). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine…). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France’s solution: pay them to leave us alone. America’s solution: kick their asses (“the Shores of Tripoli”). [America’s] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennees until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was “Kill them all. God will know His own.” Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defences.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for ‘leading’ said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

So there you have it, if they want to beat us at rugby, then they should expect some stick in reply.

Broken Britain, by David Camoron

People of Britain, (please note that I did not say Great Britain, because it’s long since stopped being Great), I have to report to you that Britain is Broken.

The Police Service is broken. Broken by Winsor 1 and 2, broken by Theresa May, my right hand man, broken by our new Police and Crime Commissioners with their 200 performance targets. Broken by the changes to their pensions, pay scales, Compulsory Severance, they are broken.  They spend all their working lives trying to lock people up, well, we just had to break that mould, can’t be having folk locked up now can we? In fact, they are so broken that we’ve had to ask our partners, G4$, $erco and the like, to step in and rescue them and bring huge chunks of them into profit.  The Police have got the hump with me anyway, and all because I described them as ‘Relatively Honest’.  Don’t they realise that was in comparison with Ghaddafi’s Police, why are they even bothered?

The Armed Forces are broken. The combined strength of the Armed Forces is now at its lowest level since World War II when we fought that other despot, Mr Hitler.  We’re going to lose some more in the near future, but fear not, because I have a cunning plan.  We’ll increase the numbers of the Territorial Army and hopefully no-one will notice the difference.  If that doesn’t work we’ll get Captain Mainwaring and his men out of retirement to bolster the numbers and protect our shores and assets.

The Fire Brigade is broken. Fire Engines have been sold off, Fire Stations are being closed. Privatisation/Outsourcing/Partnership is creeping in, Firefighters are going to have to work longer for less pension, so all is well and going to plan.

The National Health Service is broken. Waiting lists are on the rise again, we’re haemorrhaging  doctors and nurses, they don’t want to stay any more. Hospital budgets are buggered, waiting times in A&E are completely unacceptable. The Health Service is safe in our hands, but Broken.

Because the Hospitals are broken, that has broken the Ambulance Service, who can no longer deliver their patients to hospital in a timely manner and get back out there.  Instead they spend hours parked up on the A&E Ambulance ramp just waiting, before they can get back into service once again.  The upside of this though, is that they can claim compensation from the hospital for keeping them waiting, thus screwing the hospital’s budget just a little bit more.

The Coastguards are broken.  We’ve closed down nearly half the Coastguard Stations around the British coast, with nice new shiny Central Control Centres set up miles from the sea.  Coastguard numbers are down too, so we’re well on target to have smashed them anytime soon.  The Search and Rescue Service has been sold off to a foreign company, so no matter how efficient they are at finding folk, they’re working for profit and those profits will go abroad. That’s good right? I’d quite like to outsource the RNLI as well, but as that’s a charity it might take a bit more thinking about.

The Prison Service is broken.  We are now beginning to see prisons run by our partners G4$ and $erco etc. It will soon be a shadow of its former self, but at least it will be privately run.

The Probation Service is broken.  Once again our illustrious partners G4$ and $erco came riding to the rescue and took on parts of the Probation Service remit, and even though they’re facing ongoing fraud enquiries because they seemingly charged for services they did not provide, that’s OK, that nice Chris Grayling has said that it’s OK for them to bid for new contracts

Social Services are so broken that G4$ have had to take over the running of some Children’s Homes, and apply for Planning Permission etc under the name of a private individual.

The Legal System is broken.  We were going to award contracts to the lowest bidder, but Chris Grayling has U Turned on that.  We will however carry out the following

  • Legal aid fees will be cut by 17.5% across the board
  • Residency tests to be introduced for civil legal aid – only those who have lived in the UK for more than 12 months will be eligible
  • Cap on contracts for duty solicitor work at police stations
  • Income restrictions will be put in place – those with more than £3,000 per month after mortgage, tax and other “essential outgoings” will not be entitled to aid
  • 11,000 cases brought by prisoners will no longer be eligible
  • And on top of that you will no longer be eligible for Legal Aid to challenge any Government decision.  That’s fair, right?

The Penal System is broken along with Human Rights.  Too many people, mainly victims or people who might become victims,, bang on about the Human Rights of victims.  Don’t they know that criminals have Human Rights too?  We need LESS prisons, not more, and stop violating criminals’ rights by banging them up.  If I had my way I’d withdraw from the ECHR completely, nothing but aggravation.

Finally, our greatest success to date, and one of which I, personally, am immensely proud, the people of Britain are broken.  Their will has been drained and smashed.  They don’t know where to get help and advice any more and they certainly don’t have the means to challenge our wonderful reforms. they are smashed.

So, as you can see, Britain is comprehensively broken, and I broke it.  When I joined the scumbag party I made it my mission to become the most loathed British Prime Minister in modern times, and I think I have succeeded don’t you?  Even Maggie didn’t break anywhere near as much as I have succeeded in doing, but we couldn’t have achieved any of this without the help and support from our chums at PX, they really are the best Think Tankers ever.

Please remember this when you go to the polls in May 2015, but if for any reason, there happens to be a miserable turnout, that will still give us a mandate for further breaking, because we said so.

#AJobLikeNoOther

Way back in the late 70s, early 80s, when I still had some hair and a much darker beard than today I met a lady.  This lady was a lady like no other. No, she did not become Mrs Angry, she became Constable Angry’s Night Duty Prisoner.

North West London. Early hours of the morning, I received a call to a suspected Criminal Damage to a vehicle.  The address was that of one of our local doctors. Mad as a box of eccentrics. Slipperier than a slippery thing.

When I arrived she indicated her car, with the remains of one of Tate and Lyle’s finest still visible beneath the petrol filler cap.  She had been sugared!!

I gave her all the advice she needed and we retired indoors for me to take down her particulars.  At some point in the proceedings Dr Patel’s (for that was surely not her name) husband appeared and he seemed verily most grumpy.

Fear not, this is not heading anywhere near where you might think that it is. I knew Dr Patel. Not in the biblical sense you understand. More like the “Yes Your Worship, I know Dr Patel” sort of way.

Some sharp words passed between them, words I had never heard before, and then a cut glass ashtray whistled past my left ear, passing closer than I felt comfortable with truth be told. No more Mr Nice Guy. “Dr Patel – you’re nicked”

Back at the nick she was booked in, searched and placed in a cell, not without the obligatory struggle. Glad she wasn’t my GP.

Eventually she was charged and bailed and at 6 o’clock Constable Angry went off duty and retired home.

It must have been at least 3 hours later before I was awoken from my slumber by the telephone. It was the nick. Apparently Chief Inspector Jones required my presence in his office and wasn’t prepared to wait. Goody thought I. Recalled off Nights. There has to be some overtime in this.

It has to be said that my arrival at the nick did not seem to improve the good Chief Inspector’s mood any. Apparently Dr Patel had made an allegation against the nasty bearded officer who had arrested her. My protestations that I thought it was quite a nice beard went unheeded, Mr Jones didn’t seem to have an opinion on it. An allegation had been made, a very serious allegation.

Apparently I had stolen something from Dr Patel, something very personal. I assured the boss that I was innocent but he insisted that I would have to submit to my locker being searched. I was a bit pissed off at this affront as my locker was quite obviously bursting with contraband. But searched it inevitably was and no knickers were found that matched the description of those that I had allegedly stolen. Moi?

The truth?  She simply hadn’t been wearing any. I know this to be true as I had the ugly end when we put her in the cell.

Oh well, back home to bed. How very dare she insult my beard?

Stealing Knickers from a doctor?

A Job Like No Other, and for me I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

The Truth About Food, Diets and Excercise

I’ve just started my new job as a Personal Trainer and I thought I’d share a few of my ‘learnings’ with you all.

I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually… Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; it’s  like saying you extend the life of your car by driving faster. You want to live longer? Take an afternoon nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does a cow eat?  Grass, hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. You need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance (RDA) of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means that they take the water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made of grain and hops . Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain… good!

Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
YOU’RE  NOT LISTENING!  Food is fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Part of your 5 A DAY

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not!  When you exercise muscles, they get bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy?!? HELLLOOOOOOO !! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!  It’s the best feel-good food around!

Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me. A whale swims all day, only eats fish or plankton, drinks water, but is still fat

Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! ‘Round’ IS a shape is it not

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food, exercise and diets.

Places I HaveBeen

Good Day to you Readers.
I thought I’d give you a break from my normal blogs and tell you about some places I have been or would like to go to.
I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots.  Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone
I’ve never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognises you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to get there and I’m not too good on the physical activity any more
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I get older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart.  At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get.
I have been in Decisive, but I’m not sure sure how I feel about it there.
I have also been in Ept, but that was a stupid idea.
I love to travel,  however, I never want to be in Continent.
Anon

Room 101

Room 101 means many things to many people but normally it comes down to a choice of two common meanings;

1. Room 101 is a place introduced in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell. It is a torture chamber in the Ministry of Love in which the Party attempts to subject a prisoner to his or her own worst nightmare, fear or phobia. The novel’s popularity has resulted in the term “Room 101” being used to represent a place where unpleasant things are done, like the Home Office perhaps?

2. Room 101 is a BBC comedy television series based on the radio series of the same name, in which celebrities are invited to discuss their pet hates and persuade the host to consign them to a fate worse than death in Room 101, named after the torture room in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, which is itself named after a meeting room in Broadcasting House where Orwell would sit through tedious meetings

I have to say that I quite like the TV show and was reminded of it recently by a conversation on Twitter.

So let’s play a quick game of Room 101;

“Contestant 1, what would you like to send to Room 101?”

“Police Reform. David Camoron told Theresa May who told Tom Winsor what Police Reform should look like. Tom Winsor then wrote two large books on the subject, changed absolutely everything that makes the British Police the finest in the world. Some of his research appears dubious at best, he wants officers to work longer, pay more into their pension schemes and get less out of them. He wants to be able to make them redundant but not give them the Right to Strike, for example. On top of all this he wants Inspectors and Superintendents to be ale to join the Police and take charge of their units without ever having been anywhere near a Police Force ever before. None of this makes any sense and for those reasons I want to send Police Reform to Room 101.”

“Thank you Contestant 1, now Contestant 2, what do you want to send to Room 101?”

“Thank you, Police and Crime Commissioners. What are they about? Do they work? Does anyone actually understand them and want one? They were imposed on the people by a draconian government with no explanation as to how they would work. No-one understood them, even fewer voted for them, yet we have them, how does that work? And then they all seem to appoint their chums as their ‘assistants’ at huge public expense, buy new offices, cars, chauffeurs and we’re no better off than we were with Police Authorities. For these reasons Police and Crime Commissioners should go into Room 101.”

“Thank you for that Contestant 2, a contender if ever I heard one, now Hello Contestant 3, what would you like to send into Room 101?”

“I’m obliged. I would like to send Social Media 101 into Room 101.”

“Why’s that?”

“Social Media 101 was the most recent, and last, event in a series of events organised by the College of Policing. It addressed the issue of use of Social Media and was apparently held at the Home Secretary’s fortress in London. It was organised by Nick Keane and sought to address the disparity between Forces in their Social Media policies (if they even exist). Several speakers came and went over the course of the day, some were presumably better than others, but what did the day recommend?  Where are the recommendations for our colleagues to follow? What has been decided. In my opinion a common policy covering ALL the forces in England and Wales which every single officer is aware of.  Publishing something in a few months time (or longer) is simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Our colleagues are dropping into the deep and murky stuff NOW. Not because they are flouting the rules but because it is as clear as fog what the rules are where. #Flumpy is alive and well, a potentially important opportunity has possibly been wasted, and for this reason I want Social Media 101 to be put into Room 101.”

“Well I’ve listened carefully and now I have to decide which, if any, of your suggestions will make it into Room 101. You’ve all made good arguments for your case, I couldn’t really disagree with any of them, and for this reason I will take the extraordinary step of allowing them ALL into Room 101. Thank you all and goodnight”