Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

Once upon a time in a land far away lived a man. He was a very ordinary man really, but he had a job like no other.

He was a member of the SlapSlap Constabulary, and his name was Patrick James, A Constable no less.

A couple of years ago, no more, Patrick released a video on TubeYou about the challenges of being an active member of SlapSlap Constabulary and faithfully serving Her Maj The Queen.  This video has now been viewed 14,500+ times across the Universe so it must be quite good I suppose.

Encouraged by the response to his little video, Patrick started to write a series of little stories, sort of blogettes, highlighting the insidious actions of Thinking Tankers, people exchanging policies, some strange concept known as outsourcing, and the perils of outsourcing and a privatisation thingy he wrote about.

The good citizens of SlapSlap loved Patrick’s little stories, and the popularity of, and public confidence in, SlapSlap Constabulary went through the roof. They had never been so popular.  The good citizens  could see that Patrick was intelligent enough to see through the crap, mixed generously with smoke and mirrors, that the government of Angle Land were advocating.  One of the government’s favourite policies was “Reduce your budgets by 20% and show us how much more you can achieve with less resources, that will be fun”

Constable James continued to write his little stories, never disrespectful, always incisive and insightful.  The Head Commish of SlapSlap Constabulary never said a word.  In fact, the Deputy Commish at his daily meeting, thought that Constable James little vignette on TubeYou was actually a positive thing for SlapSlap Constabulary.

After a while PC James had a brainwave, over his cornflakes and Black Pudding for breakfast one morning he thought “Why don’t I bundle all my bloggy things up into a book and and sell them for a small amount?  All of the profits could go to charity, that would be a good idea wouldn’t it?”

And so, Constable James self-published his little book, and called it “Isn’t It Quiet?”

The book sold well in moderate quantities and, as good as his word, Constable James donated every single penny he received from the sale of his book to a Police Charity, wasn’t that nice of him?

Then one day Constable James received notification from the Directorate of All Things Bollocks at New SlapSlap Yard that all was not well.  Our hero Patrick was summoned to see the Deputy Director of All Things Bollocks and was told “Look James, this booky thing you’re selling just won’t do. It’s just not cricket.  We’ve had complaints from Cruella de Night, Herbert Nicholas and Lord Bozzer of Londinium that they don’t like what you’re writing about and that we have to shut you up” ……… “Shut Up James I don’t care if it is all true, since when has that bloody mattered?”

So our hero Patrick was despatched to the 13th floor of New SlapSlap Yard, placed in a broom cupboard with an abacus all to himself, and told “Do not speak to anyone, do not write to anyone, nobody at all, do you hear? Not even your bosses. Do you understand?”

And there Constable James languished for 18 long months, while the Directorate of All Things Bollocks tried to find some evidence, realised that there was no policy or regulation to cover the possibility that someone might actually write a book containing TRUTHS and so declared that this course of behaviour must amount to Gross Misconduct.  “Let’s get him sacked, that will shut the little bugger up”.

Little did they know that the Deputy Chief Commish from GrownUp Constabulary would review the evidence and recommend the charge was reduced to one of mere Misconduct as the evidence didn’t seem to stack up for Gross Misconduct to him.

“Bugger” said the Head Commish of SlapSlap Constabulary, “We can’t bloody sack him now, just make his life a bit unpleasant and demean him a little, maybe he’ll resign and we can shut him up that way”.

And lo, Constable James did indeed resign his post and seek solace and comfort from his true friends.

Watch this space, Volume II might get written one day.


PC Patrick James, Head Commish, SlapSlap Constabulary, Cruella de Night, Herbert Nicholas, Lord Bozzer of Londinium, Angle Land  and Deputy Chief Commish of GrownUp Constabulary are all entirely fictitious and and any resemblance to actual persons, dead or living, is purely coincidental.


3 thoughts on “Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

  1. Vol I was so excellent that the new clean-sweepers of olde londinium townium are much awaited in Vol II.

    Visions arise of some private dick van/cressida dyke singing chim chim cher-ee as pennies are lost to fidelity fiduciary banks and the lies become so ludicrously uncomfortable, the participants chuckle to join uncle albert to dock at the ceiling..

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